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Dear Friends,
Let’s be real—talking about singleness isn’t exactly the hottest topic on anyone’s mind. In fact, you might have already rolled your eyes or been tempted to scroll past this post. But before you do, hear me out.
We’re already two-third into 2024, and I want to ask you—how has the year been for you? If the idea of another article on singleness feels tiresome, it’s probably because we’re all wrestling with the same unspoken thoughts and fears.
Maybe you’ve wondered, "Is there really anything new to say about singleness that I haven’t heard before?" Or perhaps you’ve been thinking, "Will I ever get out of this stage of life?"
If any of this resonates with you, then this article is for you. Not because I have all the answers, but because, like you, I’ve been on this journey too. I’m not here to offer clichés or empty platitudes. Instead, I want to share some reflections that might help us navigate this season together, with a little more grace and a lot less frustration.
1. Happiness and Joy
Where do we really derive our joy and happiness?
We all know the "right" answer—that joy comes from the Lord, not from people. But what does that actually look like in our daily lives? I see it as an order of things. It’s not a given that we, as flawed humans, naturally desire or even know how to enjoy God’s presence. This takes time—dedicated time, not just leftover scraps from our busy lives.
So, first off, let’s set aside intentional time to spend with the Lord.
You might be wondering, "Grace, what do I do with that time?"
That’s the beauty of it—discovering with the Lord how you uniquely enjoy spending time with Him. We’re all created differently, and God cares deeply about each encounter we have with Him. Some of us might find peace in nature, others in worship, reading, reflecting, or even in fellowship with friends.
If you don’t feel that desire for God yet, ask Him for it. When we seek a deeper relationship with the Lord, we’ll find it. When we ask for a desire, He gives it.
“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." - Luke 11: 9 - 10
But here’s the thing—we still live in the world. Let’s not live in a "Christian bubble" and deny everything else around us. It’s tempting to stay in our "delulu[1]" stage, but as I heard at a recent church camp, "Delulu[1] is not the solulu[2], Jesus is the solulu[2]." I really like that.
[1] Delulu = delusional | [2] Solulu = solution
While we work on our vertical relationship with God, that sets us on the right path to work on our horizontal relationships with ourselves and others. It always starts with God.
So, what brings us happiness in this world? What do we genuinely enjoy, not because of FOMO[3] or the need to fit in, but because it truly brings us joy?
[3] FOMO = Fear Of Missing Out
It’s important to explore what makes us happy now, during our time of singleness. Why wait for a special someone to do these things with? Relationships can and should bring happiness, but it’s dangerous when a relationship becomes your only source of happiness (aside from the Lord). That adds a lot of pressure on the other person, and let’s be honest, the person you date and you are two different people. There will be activities you enjoy together and some you don’t. For example, if you love a certain sport but your partner doesn’t, can you continue enjoying that sport with your friends instead of giving it up?
Imagine if you don’t currently have a way to enjoy what makes you happy. You might expect your partner to do it with you, and if they don’t, you could end up sacrificing and doing only what you both enjoy. If conflicts arise, it’s easy to blame the other person for how much you’ve "given up" for the relationship.
So, singleness is a great time to discover and pursue what makes you happy. If you don’t know what that is yet, now is the time to find out!
2. The Posture of Dating
What is our understanding of love? Can we be honest about it?
Imagine a pendulum, with one end being "overly self-entitled" and the other "overly self-sacrificial." Can we refrain from swinging to both extremes and instead reach an equilibrium of "giving and receiving" in a healthy relationship?
Here’s a test: If I ask, "What are you looking for in a partner?" do you have a long checklist? And if I flip the question to "What can you offer your partner?" is that checklist just as long?
I don't intend to minimize the challenges of finding a partner... I acknowledge that the dating scene in Singapore isn’t easy.
I've heard a lot of, "Where are the good Christian guys?" and similarly, "Why are the girls not interested in connecting?"
There’s also a trend of "Do we date upwards or downwards?"—evaluating ourselves and then every potential partner against our perceived value. If we date "upwards," we might feel the need to do more so the person doesn’t give up on us. If we date "downwards," we might feel entitled to ask more from our partner.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Even at the meet up stage, if we think we’re doing someone a favor by giving them a chance, we may end up expecting them to compensate for what we think they lack. Or, if we’re going out with someone we think is "out of our league," we might feel stressed and find it hard to be ourselves. We might even settle out of fear of not finding someone else, asking, "Do they have what I need?"
I’ve been there with this faulty train of thought, and I’m not proud of it. These are potential defense or coping mechanisms to protect ourselves during dating.
So, what’s my point? In the gospel, we are all sinners in desperate need of God’s grace. Instead of seeing someone’s flaws, can we see how God’s glory might shine through them? Can we encourage and walk alongside them as God works in their lives? And can we be humble enough to recognize our own flaws and surrender it to the Lord?
This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. - Romans 3: 22 - 24
When we go on meet-ups or dates, can we approach the other party with an enquiring mind instead of a questioning mind? The difference is subtle but significant. An enquiring mind is curious about the person we’re meeting. A questioning mind, however, is full of assumptions, trying to prove a point. Taking this approach not only helps us better reflect the grace we’ve received through the gospel, but it’s also a healthier way to make friends. It reduces the hurt caused by unmet expectations.
3. Vulnerability
How vulnerable are we with our friends?
I’m not saying we need to be vulnerable with all our friends—that can be dangerous. Authenticity and vulnerability aren’t contradictory.
I used to struggle with this, thinking that my lack of vulnerability made me fake and less authentic. But I couldn’t bring myself to be fully vulnerable with every group of friends, and that’s okay. Different people can handle different sides of us. For example, if you’re struggling with the lack of Christian singles to date, would you share that with a non-believing friend? It might be hard because of your different worldviews.
We can be authentically ourselves while showing different sides of ourselves to different people. Vulnerability is a gift, given to those we trust. In our circles of friends or family, do we have people we can be vulnerable with? Vulnerability takes practice. It’s not something that magically appears when we start dating someone. If we don’t practice it now, how can we expect ourselves to change overnight once we start dating?
So, let’s practice vulnerability in safe communities—cell groups, discipleship groups, close friends, mentors, parents. If you already have the right group in place, how does vulnerability happen? Remember, vulnerability is not the same as ranting. Endless ranting can destroy friendships. Nobody enjoys constant negativity, and over time, even the best of friends will struggle to be there for us.
Vulnerability requires introspection. Our friends aren’t there to solve our problems—they can’t. They can offer a listening ear or advice, but ultimately, the one who can change how we respond to problems is us (with God’s guidance, of course). When we feel overwhelmed or triggered, do we know why? Is it possible that we’re associating a current issue with a past trauma?
Introspection isn’t natural—it takes practice. How much time do we spend reflecting on our lives? This directly correlates with how aware we are of our feelings, thoughts, and circumstances. Practicing introspection can be a gift to our future partners, who will appreciate our ability to communicate and explain our feelings and thoughts.
It’s not easy, so let’s pray for the wisdom to introspect and the courage to be vulnerable and share our insights with trusted friends.
Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. - Hebrews 10: 22 - 25
4. Communication
In this digital age, have we lost the art of communication?
I often feel anxious before social or dating events, thinking, "What do I talk about?" Why is it so hard to start or sustain a conversation? Why do we circle around surface topics like work and church but struggle to dive deeper into meaningful discussions?
As an organizer, I struggle with this after every event. I see some people not enjoying themselves, and it’s disheartening.
I too have been in your shoes as a participant... I can relate to being tired, jaded, or just not into the activity. And while I enjoy catching up with same-gender friends, I can’t deny the disappointment of not finding a suitable partner at such events.
Overtime, I've come to learn that... that’s okay. Life is full of ups and downs, and so are social events. However, I want to challenge us—how can we push past our "sian-ness" and help make an event more enjoyable?
Let’s be honest—most of us hope to find a potential partner at these events. I won’t deny that. But I’d like to offer another perspective—it’s not about the activity itself; it’s about the opportunity to meet people. The activity may not be fancy, but it’s a chance to appreciate another side of someone we might not have seen before.
At events, do we observe who includes others, who facilitates games, who’s honest in conversations, or who’s quietly enjoying the company? Do we notice who helps clean up, offers a ride...etc.?
Upcoming Events: Why You Should Join Us
Okay, I know I’ve covered a lot of ground, but let me end with something practical—our upcoming events.
If you’re still with me, you’re probably someone who’s looking for more than just surface-level connections. That’s exactly why we’ve designed these events, and I think you’ll find them worth your while.
Games Night on 30 August
This is not a dating event—no pressure, no expectations. It’s simply a space for us to unwind, have fun, and enjoy each other’s company. Think of it as your typical cell group gathering, but with card games. If you’re someone who enjoys a laid-back evening with fellow believers without any agenda, this night is for you.
Mid-Autumn Stroll @ Kovan on 11 September
Do you miss the simple joys of childhood, like walking around with lanterns under the night sky? We’re recreating that nostalgic experience for one night. It might feel a little "paiseh" (embarrassing) to carry lanterns as adults, but that’s part of the fun! This is a chance to slow down, enjoy a simple stroll, and maybe even forge new connections in a relaxed setting.
Workshop on 21 September
Rejection—ouch, right? It’s a topic most of us would rather avoid, but it’s a reality we face in the dating scene. Whether you’ve been rejected, had to reject someone, or just want to understand how to navigate these tricky waters, this workshop is for you. We’ll discuss what it means to handle rejection with grace, both in giving and receiving it. Even if the topic feels heavy, consider it an opportunity to gain insights and maybe even see a different side of someone you’ve met at previous events.
These events aren’t just about meeting people—they’re about creating a space where we can be ourselves, grow together, and support one another in this journey. So why not give it a shot? I’d love to see you there and hear your thoughts on everything we’ve talked about.
Alright, that’s it for my long article. If you’ve connected with someone through our events, why not share this article with them and spark a deeper conversation? Or better yet, invite them to our next event and see what happens!
With love and hope,
Grace :)
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